"Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will." ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
Upon hearing what had been done, I was livid. Truly livid. Because this was not done in an acceptable manner, there is no nice way to describe how those deeds made me feel upon hearing about the sort of cowardice and disrespect being used so liberally. To make matters worse for me, the whole team essentially participated in this by being there, whether they wanted to or not. By being there, each individual has to own it and live with it however they choose to do so. They can thank their former captains for putting them in that position. I personally imagine that denial was the most likely route taken.
Tangent alert! About a month prior to all this going down, I was at a league meeting where a friend of mine and a good player was voted off the league in a rather disgusting manner. She wasn't allowed to be at the meeting, but instead was allowed to write something for someone else to read. After her statement had been read to the group, a couple of people took it upon themselves to make it emotional and personal, assumably in order to sway opinions. That did all they needed to see her voted out and like my situation, she wasn't allowed to defend herself either. Though I voted to retain her, I still hate that I was there and have a link to such shady shit. It was and is shameful behavior, yet our league allowed it. I have to live with being there, knowing what happened and the effect cowardly opinions voiced to a voting group had on the outcome.
Back to my story, I don't know what was more frustrating in the days after finding out. The fact that it had happened and no one did the right thing and spoke to how inappropriate it was for the group to sit there and attack me when I wasn't even allowed to defend myself or to share a much different perspective than what they were given. Or the fact that after I found about it ON MY OWN, friends and colleagues tried to make feel like the bad guy. Why would I be upset by what had been done to me by the team? I heard things like "the meetings were a good thing" or "people wouldn't have talked about you if you were there". Seriously? To know that people had been brainwashed into thinking those meetings were remotely okay was baffling. How could such deliberate, deceptive character assassination be "a good thing"? How could friends of mine not understand my point of view? Why didn't they want to hear about how shady the team's actions were?
At this part, I could also point out that this turn of events actually had broken certain areas of my old league's code of conduct. But no one involved thought anything of it. I assume that's because it was me and my former league had already established a precedent that it was okay to change things when dealing with me. No one even had the spine to speak to me about what had happened; I was instead left to initiate (as usual) and discover for myself the sinister nature of my team at this point. Friends jst sat on the info and left me in the dark. That sure is what friends are for eh?
Later the same night I found about it, I voiced my outrage to current captain A (who I will refer to as Zorro going forward) about what had been done and I was at first comforted to know that she wasn't happy with what had been done either. From this conversation, a meeting between myself, the two new captains, and the assistant coach was set up. Looking back, this meeting only appears to have been an excuse for them to lecture and chastise me for saying things to skaters on the team and then those same skaters taking it to others on the team. Insert the definition of hypocrisy here please. How about those secret meetings where the whole team was allowed to talk about me without being allowed to be there? I asked them that. I was told, "There's nothing we can do about that now; you should do something for yourself." I would've considered that statement to be unbelievable had I not consistently heard the same garbage from the current captains over the following days. I asked, "How is it fair that skaters on the team were put in a position of having to defend me because I wasn't allowed to be there?" "That never happened, at least in my meeting" was the response I got. See how convenient two meetings with different people in attendance is? Makes for a great excuse later. I had people tell me specifically that they tried speaking up for me and defending me. I was told to only talk the two current captains about my issues, which is rather hilarious considering that they weren't listening, and that I also needed to have a sit down with the two former captains. Welcome to the systematic execution of two-faced politics (or a shit-stained double standard), my friends (or my strangers or my enemies depending on who's eyes are reading this).
This is rather amazing if one thinks about it. Leadership wouldn't help me, but I could only talk to leadership about my issues. No one, and I mean no one, else was ever held to such a standard. Not the former leadership or anyone on the team or the league for that matter. This part isn't surprising to me because this had always been the case with Denver. The Roller Dolls had a history of giving me different (ie fewer) rights than anyone else; so, why wouldn't a team within the same league pull the exact same shit? What was going to stop them from doing it? Sure wasn't going to be their consciences.
Tangent again, this time it's related to talking shit to teammates about teammates. I had apparently fallen secretly in love with Sukie at some point, at least according to Sukie. I was being different around her and to her; so, obviously the rational reason is love and jealousy of whoever the fuck she was dating at that time. I can't even make up such things. The rational reason couldn't be that I expect a captain to care about her team and her own performance and when she doesn't, that I don't have that much respect for her continuing on as the captain. That's just me being a fool I guess. Love will do that someone I suppose. And it was a secret because everyone knows that I'm afraid to express myself. This is just too hilarious and absurd at the same time not to mention it.
I would continue to ask the current captains to assist me in doing the right thing as leadership and setting something up for me to provide the other side or at least allow me to speak to the skaters over the following days. I was consistently told to do it myself because they didn't have the time. So I email something to the team and hear crickets back. Not a soul responds. Funny that because I'm pretty sure multiple people talked about me in those meeting. Strange that once people vent about you to the voting group that they don't want to face that person. It's almost like that's the easier route huh?
Only other thing I'll mention in this chapter is that I did have a sit down with the former captains eventually. They blamed the current captains for not sitting down with me sooner regarding what came from the skaters about me in those meetings and yet, the current captains told me to deal directly with the former captains regarding the secret meetings. That's a really lovely circle of non-accountability set up there. Current captains don't want to talk about it or own it and the former captains say they were afraid and that the current captains should've talked to me sooner. The other things the former captains said were of little importance to this story; they only served to show their true colors again and again. Those colors would be defensiveness, lack of accountability, and zero contrition for their actions against me.
The politics is about to ramp up now...
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